Danger Dearest

I have a dream to write an advice column. It makes sense, really, because I have a degree in psychology, and counseling and life coaching are elements of my current job. First I'd like to write a sample column, and see what everyone thinks of it. If you have questions I can practice answering, I would more than appreciate receiving them. Once I feel confident about my work, I plan to make a go of doing it for a living. Wish me luck.

Dear Danger,

I have a freind that I love dearly, but there is a small problem. It seems every time we get together she complains excessively about some trivial matter. I want her to feel like she can come to me if she has a real problem, but I don't want to avoid her to get away from the pessimism. What do you suggest?

A Friend in Need

Dear Friend,

If you approach the problem in a proactive manner, you and your friend can both be happy! I suggest you give her something to cry about. You could possibly call her from pay phones and breathe heavily, then leave notes on her windshield that remind her you know where she lives. If that isn't your style, apply for a credit card in her name and slowly but surely destroy her credit rating so profoundly that the bank will blacklist her unborn children for student loans. Or keep it simple and sleep with her husband. She will have a valid complaint then, and you can't begrudge her for that. Plus you'll get friendship points by being the shoulder she cries on. Then everyone's a winner.

Dear Danger,

My husband has been acting out of character lately. I can understand if he occasionally buys porn (men do have needs), but I've found it hidden all over the house. Even worse, when he says he'll be at work late or with the guys he goes to the XXX theater. He says it isn't hurting anyone and he refuses to go to counseling with me. Some days I think it's because I'm not pretty enough, but I'm beginning to suspect it is more his problem than mine. Could he be a porn addict?

For Better or Worse

Dear Whore Worse,

To the untrained mind, your husband would appear to be an addict: the anger, the denial, the lying, etc. After careful examination of you letter, however, I believe this isn't the case. I believe your husband is gay. The porn is his way of overcompensating for his aversion to the female body and at the same time it distracts you from the real issue: you are married to a man that loves cock. He isn't lying to you all the time, he probably is out with the guys, if you know what I mean. This is not an issue that requires couples therapy, it requires a swift divorce and as much alimony as you can get your hands on. I also suggest you get tested for STIs.

Dear Danger,

My life has been on a downward spiral for the last few years. My mother died of a heart attack, my husband ran out on me, my son was taken from me during a long, ugly divorce, I lost my job and health insurance, I can't afford the root canal I so desperately need, I think there's a lump in my breast, and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning and nothing gives me a sense of peace or happiness. I'm even questioning the existence of God, or at least a merciful, benevolent God. What should I do?

My Life is a Country-Western Song

Dear Country-Western,

Wow. I can totally see why you don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and you have my utmost sympathies. Have you ever considered suicide? Just kidding! No, seriously, Dr. Kevorkian was recently released, so you can make sure it's done right. None of this dilly-dallying around with alcohol and Valium, just a wham, bam, thank you ma'am of eternal slumber. I don't suggest you call the Doctor right away, first you should cram as much hedonism into your life as possible. Sleep around, get high on drugs you warned your kid about, sky-dive, act on impulse rather than logic, and generally party like a rock star. It'll be expensive, but it's not like you're going to be around when the check is due! As a bonus, you'll have those questions answered before you can say "Wait! Wait! I changed my mind!" Good luck!

So is my advice as awesome as I think it is? I'm one step closer to helping actual people with silly problems! You know, I just may change the world with my counsel.