Sunday, June 29, 2008

Friday, June 27, 2008


Kickass zombie meme stolen from the fabulous Velocibadgergirl:

You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:

1. One weapon.
2. One song blasting on the speakers.
3. One famous person to fight alongside you.

Weapon can be real or fictional; you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.

1. Nothing says "swift decapitation" like a kukri.
2. "Fire" by Scooter.
3. My first choice is Terry Pratchett's Death, but if double jeopardy prevents him from doing his job twice, then I want Janet Evanovich's Ranger. And then I want to make out with him. Ranger that is, not Death. Making out with Death would be wrong, dude, wrong.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

That's No Spider Bite

Before my stint as a social worker MacGyver and I went three years without health insurance. It's a damn good thing I signed us up with Anthem when I became unemployed a full time student, because I had to call my doctor again. The pneumonia is gone, but I'm afraid I have developed something more sinister.

"Dr. Awesome's nurse speaking, how may I help you?"
"Somethings wrong with my arm, and my husband is worried it could be serious."
"Please describe it."
"There's a raised red circle about three inches in diameter on my right forearm. It's irritated and really warm. In the middle there's a hard three-quarter inch lump and I can see my blood pulsing, plus on top of it is a fluid-filled pustule. I think it's a spider bite."
"Ma'am, that's no spider bite."
"You're describing the initial stages of zombification. Do you have a headache, chills, fever, or craving for human flesh? Are your ears or nose rotting off?"
"Yeah, a headache, but I still have my nose."
"I'll call in Keflex** to your pharmacy, make sure you take it with food before you lapse into a pretransformation coma."
"Wow. Anything else I should know?"
"Use an alternative form of birth control while on Keflex and have your husband call us if you develop a shuffling gait and a propensity for moaning 'braaaiiinss...'"
"What can you prescribe for that?"
"A shotgun."
"Have a nice day, ma'am, and thank you for choosing Wellcare Clinic."

Needless to say, I'm really glad we caught it in time. This rash is itchy as Hell and my insurance covers Keflex but not facial reconstruction.

**Klingon for "living-dead destroyification serum."

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Cat Formerly Known as Gonk

"It's 'Greebo' to you, bish."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


I burn like a redhead and barely tan. For years I have been trying to get the sunless tanning lotion to work with me, and this Monday I finally got it right. I managed to have it applied all over without any streaking or oranginess. I used the Build-a-Tan so it was a very pale, subtle tan. However, it was enough for me. I could tell a difference, and it was a nice change from my pasty, pasty skin. The very next day I flung myself into a killer workout, and sweat like the pig I am. Every couple of minutes I had to wipe the perspiration from my face just to keep it under a semblance of control. After an hour of this, my nice white gym towel was brown on both sides. Yup, my self-image raising tan was GONE.

I do I have to say it was easier to handle than the time I wore a new, extra-long teal tank top to teh (alliteration much?) gym and stained my torse green for three days.

People rarely approach me for conversation. In a new situation where I need to make friends (school, clubs, etc) I can count on having to be the one to make the first move. I swear to God there is some sort of force field around me, in every high school class where there was one more desk than student, it would be by me. I every school project with the option of working in pairs or singles, I was the only partnerless scholar. It sucked. It sucked harsh. So yesterday, a guy saw me looking at WWTDD? and commented that it was a good movie, and he had recently checked out the book. I was so confused (Did he mean Fight Club? Or is it really also a book?) that I couldn't utter a sound. After a short, awkward silence he turned away and put his headphones on. I could have had a conversation! With a person! And I blew it! GAAAHHH!

Today at the library I felt an odd, heavy thump on the back of my chair. I turned around to see a cute girl-toddler sprawled behind me on the floor and bursting into sympathy-inducing wails, she had hit one of the rungs hard enough to knock herself over. I looked at her as her mom came swooping in and thought, "My smooveness! It's contagious! Oh no!"

On the bright side, the cats are bound to catch it. Hilarity, it will ensue.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Weird is the New Normal

Reality has been a little askew this lately. For example, Domino has been an cuddle glutton and Gonk has been aloof. She's been all "MOMMY!" and he's been all "I love this chair more than I ever loved you!"

Also? I have been craving healthful food, like vegetables and milk and shit like that. A gallon usually lasts us four to five days. It took me a day to drink almost half of it all by myself. I looked forward to starting off my lunch with steamed vegetables. WTF?

MacGyver and I have gone out of our way to spend time with Amethyst, Custard, and Pie. Not so unusual for him, but for me it ain't natural. It's like a pig walking on its hind legs.

Yesterday I actually said the words "The government made me really happy." We overpaid on our quarterly taxes last year, and we just got a check for it.

I had a pretty good workout this morning, and I was rinsing my face in the locker room when two little old ladies walked up to me.
Granny: "What have you been doing?! You're all red in the face*!"
Nanny Ogg, cackling suggestively: "She had a good weekend, that's what she's been doing!"

* You think? We're at a GYM.