Thursday, June 19, 2008

That's No Spider Bite

Before my stint as a social worker MacGyver and I went three years without health insurance. It's a damn good thing I signed us up with Anthem when I became unemployed a full time student, because I had to call my doctor again. The pneumonia is gone, but I'm afraid I have developed something more sinister.

"Dr. Awesome's nurse speaking, how may I help you?"
"Somethings wrong with my arm, and my husband is worried it could be serious."
"Please describe it."
"There's a raised red circle about three inches in diameter on my right forearm. It's irritated and really warm. In the middle there's a hard three-quarter inch lump and I can see my blood pulsing, plus on top of it is a fluid-filled pustule. I think it's a spider bite."
"Ma'am, that's no spider bite."
"You're describing the initial stages of zombification. Do you have a headache, chills, fever, or craving for human flesh? Are your ears or nose rotting off?"
"Yeah, a headache, but I still have my nose."
"I'll call in Keflex** to your pharmacy, make sure you take it with food before you lapse into a pretransformation coma."
"Wow. Anything else I should know?"
"Use an alternative form of birth control while on Keflex and have your husband call us if you develop a shuffling gait and a propensity for moaning 'braaaiiinss...'"
"What can you prescribe for that?"
"A shotgun."
"Have a nice day, ma'am, and thank you for choosing Wellcare Clinic."

Needless to say, I'm really glad we caught it in time. This rash is itchy as Hell and my insurance covers Keflex but not facial reconstruction.

**Klingon for "living-dead destroyification serum."