Sunday, February 10, 2008

Damn, I Suck

Unless I wuss out, tomorrow I put in my official resignation.

I spent the last two weeks in mental anguish, because as much as I hate my job and what it does to me, I don't really want to go. I will admit to waffling on my decision. I took this job because I felt performing massage therapy just wasn't helpful enough, and I needed to help people MORE. Plus, my boss was certifiably guano* crazy and I had to hide from her a lot. Seriously, I literally hid from her, and I was one of the few people she liked.

Anyway, social work is definitely helpful, and I tend to believe that's the purpose of our lives. Sometimes I even make an actual difference to people on the fringes of society. That was one of the things that made the Pros column on my Should I Quit? List. The Cons column, however, was about thrice the length and included things like "This job erodes my soul" and "Maybe I'll be less suicidal" which sort of voided "I get to see Amy and Janell :)" and "Regular paychecks are sweet" on the other side.

I have cried over my patients, I have lost sleep over their well-being, I have experienced frustration on a whole new level, and I still don't want to leave them. My first week back after mom died, I found out a patient of mine (who has refused my services FOREVER) had overdosed and was in a coma. Something super shitty happened the second week too, but it has been overshadowed by the ordeal of Brain-Damaged Lady's brother. He has been trying to put her away, despite me, her guardian, my boss, her psychiatrist, and Adult Protective Services telling him he doesn't have just cause to do so. And? Every time he tells her he's going to commit her, she freaks and goes super delusional. So he is contacting the governor about it and is threatening to sue us all. Whee!

So, in a month I will likely wash my hands of it all.

Then I will hope I don't regret it.

*I use this word because I didn't know if bat shit crazy needed a hyphen. If you do, could you please tell me? I'd like to fix this footnote if need be.


velocibadgergirl said...

I tend to write it as batshit crazy.

I also think quitting is a good idea. This job, it is not good for you :(

mama snee said...

Goodness, you are freaking me out. We have more in common than I thought. I used to be an SPMI case manager, then psychosocial rehabilitation practitioner, and now I'm studying to take my NCETMB exam for massage. Hello, backwards world!

Anywho. I quit working in mental health (in a direct-service role, anyway) about 4 years ago. I miss it sometimes, definitely miss the can't-even-make-that-up stories, but I don't regret my decision to leave ONE LITTLE HAIRY BIT. Get your ass out of there.

And I would hyphenate bat-shit crazy, btw.

rabidmonkey said...

i specifically remember being told by someone of some authority on the subject, "when in doubt, hyphenate."

about the job, yes, helping is good. on the other hand, "soul eroding" is really, really bad.

J-Dog said...

I admire your motivation to make the world a better place. While my job is not soul crushing, it doesn't do that much to save the world, so I sort of understand where you're coming from. But, it does sound like this job wasn't good for you at all and you definitely can't make the world a better place by becoming a) a suicidal basket case or b) a numb cynical social worker... You'll find something that you love and will give you that sense of saving the world, but without the suicidal thoughts... I'm sure of it. :)

Joe Blaylock said...

I've recently been considering the helping-versus-stress tradeoff. I have an offer from a company that has a lot of money to pay me, but doesn't do anything for the world. And this other offer from this little company that can't pay as much, but does good things.

One thing worth considering is, if you sell out and make buckets of cash, how many head of cattle can you buy through Heifer? And will that do more good, or less, than not selling out?

Ah, decisions, decisions.

I would hyphenate. Bat-shit crazy.