Monday, May 14, 2007

Things I Hate About Babies

At best babies are cartilaginous, but usually they are invertebrates. Try picking one up sometime, it feels like an 8 pound sea cucumber. I'm always afraid I'll snap part of it off and the baby pieces will regenerate (like starfish) and then there will be TWO babies. Like we really need that.

Babies have too much gravity. They may weigh about 8 pounds but it feels like 48. I try to hold them but my arms always fall asleep under the crushing forces they exert. Perhaps they would be more comfortable on the Moon.

Babies are stupid and I have proof. A friend and I came up with an idea to profit off their ignorance by getting babies to sign contracts stating they will give us money to dangle keys in front of them once a day. It would work because they are too stupid to know the value of money versus jingly, shiny objects. If people actually cared about babies they would pass laws to protect babies from themselves. But no one cares.

Every baby has the potential to grow up to be the Antichrist. Since bleeding heart liberals (Christian conservatives say the same thing contingent upon the baby is still in utero. I guess they figure babies can't do much damage in there.) argue against killing every baby, so learn how to protect yourselves, people! Babies are 10 times more likely to be the Antichrist if they are named Damien, have a 666 birthmark, are telepathic towheads, have a lifetime membership to the Illuminati and the NRA, and are like a leopard, and their feet are as the feet of a bear, and their mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gives them his power, and his seat, and great authority. Having the name Paris Hilton is a dead giveaway.

Hitler was once a baby. So were Nero, Pol Pot, Carrot Top, Paul Walker, Dick Cheney, Charles Manson, Ron Popeil, and David Berkowitz. I sense a pattern.

3 comments:

bibliophile81 said...

You make some interesting points, but I think I still kind of sort of like babies.

Katy said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in weeks!!
Thanks for a good laugh!

Evilducky77 said...

Yep, babies are evil.