Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Things Fall Apart

When people meet me they tend to think "She is so sweet and quiet!" Later, if they have actually talked to me some more, that thought changes to "Did I say sweet? I meant cynical and jaded. And weird." Lately I have been given one more reason to be cynical.

There was so much shit that was explained away with lame reasons. Trembling hands? Low blood sugar! Insomina? Stress! Not eating for days? Her mom put her on a diet! Dry hands that she picked at? Compulsive hand washing! Convulsions and memory lapses? Cancer! The list goes on. The list also includes paranoia, lying like it's her job, sweats, acne... My list has 23 signs of drup use. Twenty-three signs I should have pieced together before last week. Twenty-three reasons to feel betrayed.

I have a degree in psychology, my day job is social work, I meet lots of people that do drugs. Addiction is a disease. It has its roots in genetics and once you develop it there is no going back. But that's not an excuse. Addiction is a disease, seeking help is a choice. She chose not to join Narcotics Anonymous for the support her family wouldn't provide. She chose not to find a therapist after her first relapse. She chose to endanger the lives of children every time she went to work. She chose the addiction over everything in her life that had meaning.

Harsh? Yes. Justified? Fucking A.

I don't want to see her again, but her life is so intertwined with mine that I will have to. I'm not her social worker. I'm not her family. I'm not her friend. I can't fathom forgiving her. Maybe I'll mellow out by the time her initial treatment is over, but how can I accept an apology FROM A LIAR?!? I haven't been this angry in almost 7 years, and I wouldn't have forgiven him if I didn't love him so much.

Peace out. And don't fuck with my family.

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