Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Back

Holy expletive, it's been so long since I blogged that I almost forgot my password.

Life hasn't been totally awesome since I last wrote, gentle readers. After a long and painful struggle with cancer, my brother died. He was only 34. My family is tight, and losing him was like losing my left arm: I can get by without him, but it's SO GODDAMN HARD and I never forget he's gone. Actually, sometimes I do. Sometimes I see something and go to send him a picture message, or I wonder what he'd like me to make him for dinner this week. Then I remember he's gone, and life stands still just so I can feel like everything has fallen apart. I celebrated my birthday without him, attended our friend's wedding without him, and I wonder how life can possibly go on when his has ended. It doesn't seem just or possible. But that's the way it is, and I have to keep waking up every day.

My depression took a turn for the worse when I lost him, and out of desperation tried an antipsychotic. It worked really well, and I'd still take it except the side effects were terrible. The least unmentionable side effect was the weight gain: fifteen pounds in two months. This was due largely to the constant, unending hunger. I switched meds; this pill makes me sleepy, a nice change from inhaling every morsel in sight. I'm exercising a lot more, and I'm slowly seeing results. Normally I'd be more upset, but this is the fourth worst thing to happen this year, so it's bearable.


Anonymous said...

Hey you. Nice to have you back on the interwebs. It's bene awfully quiet around here.

I don't remember if I told you about the scientific american mind issue I was recently reading that talked about the differences between women's depression and men's depression. I seem to think I did, but it has the fuzzy quality at the edges that things get when I make them up.

School starts soon, right?

rockygrace said...

Sometimes I still think of something I want to tell my Dad, and he died eleven years ago. But it's not painful anymore; when it happens now, it just gives me a moment to remember him. And that's cool.

I'm glad you're back and doing better.