On My Knees

I'm not much for praying. When I was a wee tyke, I would get agitated in church because when I asked God a question, I couldn't hear any answers. In high school, my devout parents brought home books about the historical Jesus, and they talked about who this guy really was. A memorable dinner table discussion involved the fish and the loaves, where it was decided he didn't make them out of thin air, but he convinced people to share what they already had. When I was a social worker, I counseled people who got off their meds and believed they were God, or Jesus, or Jesus in a black woman's body, or Zeus*. I started wondering about the mental health of biblical characters and evangelicals. I mean, I always thought of Oral Roberts and his ilk as weird, but maybe they're closer to clinically psychotic. With time, God has felt less and less real. My beliefs have been stuck in an agnostic limbo.

However, for the past week I've been praying about every 20 minutes. Why? Because I had a job interview, and I need it real bad. I've committed everything short of bribery to get hired, but I really doubt I'll actually get it. So for the first time in years I'm taking my grandfather's advice to act as if it's all up to me, and to pray as if it's all up to God.

So I'm wondering: if i do get the job, will I start sincerely believing in God again?


*This one patient thought he was Zeus when went off his meds. When he took them, he was pentecostal and spoke in tongues. I had the damnedest time telling when he was actually mentally well.