Unsurprise!

I did not get the job.

On My Knees

I'm not much for praying. When I was a wee tyke, I would get agitated in church because when I asked God a question, I couldn't hear any answers. In high school, my devout parents brought home books about the historical Jesus, and they talked about who this guy really was. A memorable dinner table discussion involved the fish and the loaves, where it was decided he didn't make them out of thin air, but he convinced people to share what they already had. When I was a social worker, I counseled people who got off their meds and believed they were God, or Jesus, or Jesus in a black woman's body, or Zeus*. I started wondering about the mental health of biblical characters and evangelicals. I mean, I always thought of Oral Roberts and his ilk as weird, but maybe they're closer to clinically psychotic. With time, God has felt less and less real. My beliefs have been stuck in an agnostic limbo.

However, for the past week I've been praying about every 20 minutes. Why? Because I had a job interview, and I need it real bad. I've committed everything short of bribery to get hired, but I really doubt I'll actually get it. So for the first time in years I'm taking my grandfather's advice to act as if it's all up to me, and to pray as if it's all up to God.

So I'm wondering: if i do get the job, will I start sincerely believing in God again?


*This one patient thought he was Zeus when went off his meds. When he took them, he was pentecostal and spoke in tongues. I had the damnedest time telling when he was actually mentally well.

The Name Game

Use the first letter of your name to fill in the following. Don't make anything up. Tag ten more people if you want. But strife and misfortune won't befall you if you don't.

1. What is your name: Laura

2. A 4-Letter Word: Love

3. A Boys Name: Lester

4. A Girls Name: Lacey Lee

5. An Occupation: Lineman

6. A Color: Lilac

7. Something you wear: Lycra leggings

8. A Beverage: Lemonade

9. A Food: Lobster lasagna

10. Something found in the bathroom: Live microbes

11. Movie Title: Lawrence of Arabia

12. A Reason for being late: Lack of motivation

13. Something you shout: Look alive!

14. A Place You've Visited: Louisiana

15. A Word That's Fun to Say: Lollipop

16. Celebrity Baby Name Idea: L'ondon

17. Reason to Break Up With Someone: Lackluster lust

18. Fake Band Name: Lakeside Lemmings

19. Book You've Read: Little House in the Big Woods

20. Something You're Afraid Of: Losing loved ones

Presenting Belle

Meet the newest addition to the Danger family, she's the firstborn of my second oldest brother, Chevy. She was born by C-section and has the fortune of not having the weird, compressed skull look many infants sport. Most babies take a few months to cuten up (in my opinion), but I could just eat her up. And she's not even seven pounds, so I could probably fit half of her arm in my mouth without gagging. Her hair has an interesting off-center cowlick in front, I'm crossing my fingers that she grows out of it and escapes a life of side ponytails.

What's New with You?

My little Pontiac is in hospice. The seals and a gasket on the water pump failed, the water pump developed holes, the radiator leaked, and the cooling fan died. MacGyver fixed all of these problems, but now it misfires and tried to die in Christmas season evening traffic at the mall. Now I drive my mom's old Buick Roadmaster, which has more than double the power and seats more than twice as many people.

Also, MacGyver and I are mostly moved into our new house. We should be living there within a week. I look forward to keeping our bedroom a secret from the cats (don't ask how) so they don't stand outside the door all night and say "brrrrMEOW brrrrMEOW" (he sounds like a ringtone) or "MAAHH!!! MAAHH!!! MAAHH!!!" (she sounds like a bitch).

Also, all my classes are over, and I am looking for a job. This is an activity I hate even more sincerely than moving.

Also, I went off of my antidepressants. Not because I don't need them, but because I can't afford them anymore. If my level of crazy seems to increase over the next few weeks, it's because IT IS.

Also, Joe and Anami visited for a couple of days. Their visit coincided with some of the best weather we've had here, and walking in the sunshine with friends felt like the best thing ever.

Also, three cousins from California came to visit for a few days. I missed a day of their visit due to violent illness, but I recovered and made chicken pot pie for all. Hooray!

Also, I would like to know how you are doing.

I Heart Thrift Shopping

Not only is MacGyver a top-notch carpenter, but he is a genius at operating on a budget. The other day he needed doors for our bathroom, so he took me to the Habitat for Humanity ReStore, the Goodwill of home improvement shops. I had never been there, and marveled at the buckets of doorknobs, the $3000 widescreen TV for $600, the $45 washing machines, and the crap. I tried to take pictures of everything that awed me, but the employees were giving me disapproving looks. Here's a taste of the appalling treasures I found.



Note the illustration of a gloved hand. Is this supposed to imply that sophisticated ladies use this product, or is it a warning to never touch a mercury switch with your naked flesh? And it's only five cents! Has it ever been so cheap to poison yourself?



Among the mugs and chotchkies I found an old, old bottle of cologne. I couldn't wrap my head around this thing. I mean, it just screams mammy doll, and yet it is celebrated kitsch. Avon Small World Perfume...the smell of racism.



This would be just darling in the parlor. I was really hoping it was a chair with a periscope, but it turned out to have air-conditioning controls, so I guess it's from a hair salon. Or maybe it's really an evil robot from the future. I think we're safe as long as no one plugs it in.



It's a vinyl record! For your car! That caption reads Take a super adventure with "Kid James" through a very special book...the KID JAMES VERSION of the Bible! Discover the stories of Bible Characters who traveled...God's Super Travelers! When I was a kid we listened to our Bill Cosby: Himself cassette tape on road trips, not Christian propaganda. We would have considered this aural punishment. I hope whoever buys this burns it.

Memorable Holiday Moments

-I spent all day baking on Christmas Eve. I was trying a fancy new recipe for brownies and had put the nice, pourable batter in the fridge to mellow overnight per the cookbook's suggestion. To my horror, I discovered the consistency had turned to that of stiff modeling clay. I had to dig out chunks of batter and mold them to fit the pan.

-At MacGyver's aunt's Christmas Eve party, his sister Sunshine reminded VBG's sister that she and a guest are invited to her wedding. Sunshine added that the guest does not have to be her boyfriend, and nearby relatives piped up and offered to let Sis bring their dogs. Why? Because dogs are much better people than that tool.

-I've been attending church semi-regularly since this summer, and I joined my family for Christmas Eve services. Before mass started I felt someone staring at me. I knew something was wrong, because I don't believe* it's actually possible to feel another's gaze. I looked over at the source, and discovered the presence of Nick from school. You could say I felt a wave of pure hatred wash over me if you wanted to put it nicely. I spent the first part of mass trying to convince myself I am a grown-up and I do not solve problems with sidekicks to the knee.

-MacGyver and I were in his parents' neighborhood for their Christmas morning get-together. He had the tailgate of his dualie open to wrap a rake, and I was carrying the wrapped presents when a terrier broke out of its yard and ran barking madly toward us. I love dogs, but I am scared of strange ones. In half a second I went from loitering in the street to standing on the tailgate, still holding presents. I guess I levitated. A Christmas Miracle!

-MacGyver's two and a half year old niece, KP, has seen me but has never wanted anything to do with me. So when she kept coming up to me to hand me toys, I was confused. She has better motor skills than Baby Bunny but is less intelligible, and I had no idea what she was very earnestly trying to tell me. Her favorite thing to hand me was a toy plate, a fork, and a Mr. Potato Head ear, so I pretended to cut off chunks and held the fork out. Very solemnly, she pretended along and ate what I offered. She didn't get tired of it, and every member of MacGyver's family got a chance to watch and laugh their asses off.

-This was the first Christmas I did not glue myself to MacGyver's elbow at his grandparents' Christmas party, and I went and made conversation with people independently. His grandparents' parties always stress me out because there's dozens of people who look vaguely familiar, but I can't remember their names, and I have no idea what to say to anybody. I am thinking that next year I should remember to take a pack of malt beverages.

-MacGyver grilled ten pounds of salmon for my family. Droooooool.

-Mercury abruptly announced "I'm too full to" and stopped playing with his sibs. When we figured out what he meant was "I'm too full to do anything but vomit" my sister rushed him to the bathroom, but it was occupied, so she tried to get him to my dad's bathroom. "Tried" is the operative word here. Mercury threw up all over my dad's bedroom carpet.

-Amidst all the gift unwrapping, Baby Bunny found me and crawled onto my lap. She smiled sweetly and grabbed my cheeks with both hands and tried to rip them off of my face.

*I also don't believe Jesus was magical, and yet, there I was.